A ‘How To’ on Life

Note: This is not a real ‘how to.’ I just like to pick on myself, because everything I write looks like one.

So, recently, I learned some very important ideas just by analyzing my unhappiness and discomfort. Everyone alive is living life, and some people are happy, and some people are not. Besides chemical imbalance, to what can we attribute unhappiness?

I’ve found that the answer to this is lack of freedom. When people are depressed, a main cause of this is the feeling that your life isn’t yours. Subsequently, your pain is not yours, your happiness is not yours, the emotions you feel towards others are controlled by those people, not you, the person experiencing them.

This is also partially why people who are depressed cause intentional pain to themselves; They feel that they want to control their own pain, discomfort, and disappointment, the feelings with which they are most familiar and comfortable.

As a 23-year old single American woman with no children, I have a ridiculous amount of freedom. I can save money and travel to any nation that will have me. I can quit my job and get a new one, I have sex with whomever I feel like… You get the picture.

So why would I ever feel like a prisoner in any way? Why do I battle depression and anxiety…?

So, really the cause of these [and like] things is the feeling of the lack of freedom. Just like the need for the feeling of security is the result of having an unknown, so is the feeling of the need of freedom; One does not know he is as free as he believes he is [in the same sense as one is as safe as he thinks he is].

The point is that we are all the same amount, level, class of freedom. Our experiences are what teach us to feel limited and imprisoned in this world. Our world changes size, color, atmosphere, temperature, and any condition you can think of, depending on whose eyes are viewing it.

Own back your shit. Everything you came into this world with; All the possibilities you were born with, take them back. We don’t forget what we wanted to be when were three, but we forget whoopings, things we learned, friends we had. The things we come into this world with are the things that we are to learn and exercise until we understand them enough to use them to make ourselves comfortable and content, and to effectively and fruitfully connect with other human beings, we need each other, for God’s sake.

Two Peas from the Same Pod

Two peas from the same pod
mature and pop out of the pod.
One pea rolls in one direction, the other in another,
only to roll around and meet again.
They notice each other for the first time,
and realized that one was smooth and the other was wrinkled;
One was yellow, and the other was green.
They looked at each other in utter confusion, trying to figure out how
two peas from the same pod could be so different.
They didn’t understand each other;
They couldn’t understand why the other did what he did,
and thought what he thought, and liked what he liked.
They had simple days, but the peas’ differences always pushed them back
to their place of feeling like the other pea was a puzzle that he would never solve.

What were these two peas to do, being brothers?
Do they embrace their differences, and learn to agree to disagree?
Do they go on with life, accepting the differences, despite where they come from?
Perhaps they were to just appreciate one another from a distance.
Only time and experience would tell them where to go…

Today.. [3/21/12]

It smells very strongly of tea where I am. They’re making it as I type. There are jars upon jars of if along one of  the walls. There is art made from it on the back wall. I am at one of my favorite places.

Today has been a peculiar day. I guess the most prominent feeling I have today is negativity [which isn't a "feeling," I guess.] I feel anxious about no particular thing, and there never needs to be one. It’s actually the lack of things which gives me this feeling.

I’m always the person who creates atmosphere for others by being positive and comfortable for those around me. Can you imagine how exhausting that can get?

I’m sitting at Kaleisia Tea Lounge, and I’m supposed to be doing driving school, because I got a ticket, and I don’t want to have the points on my license, blah blah blah. I still have to pay the ticket, which may or may not be easy, depending on a few factors.

It’s raining hard and steadily, and I didn’t drive here, so I’m stuck here, not until I finish traffic school, but until it stops raining. My phone is dying. I didn’t bring my charger, because I planned on staying outside, and away from people. Then it started to rain. Well, then.

I’m sitting here trying my hardest not to deal with my emotions. I’m trying to put that off until I have a therapist to talk to. Whether or not this is a wise decision, I have no clue, and have decided not to really worry about that.

All I know is that it has become excruciating to be around people. Seriously, I would get far far away from myself if that were at all possible. That’s who the real problem is.

It was recently occurred to me that not one of my friends or acquaintances fully knows me. That makes it very hard to be around people. Now, I could easily fix this, sure. I could just tell them.

But that isn’t possible. Because I’ve decided that it’s somehow easier to avoid people than to be honest with them, because being honest with them would mean them knowing what kind of person I am, and that, I can’t handle. Which makes me a laundry list of things I don’t want to even face the fact that I am.

So I’m here. Blogging. And I don’t even know if I want this to be public, but since most of my readers don’t know me personally, that might make it easier.

I can’t think of a single place I’d rather be right now, because if my skin is coming along, I’m going to be uncomfortable. I could be in the middle of the ocean [which would be scary], I could be in my bed. It would all feel the same.

Today, I don’t have anything positive to say. That is also hard to deal with. I’m supposed to be the girl that makes everyone happy and comfortable, and I can’t do that today. So, who am I?