Then I thought about how the artists of these sculptures aren’t broke like we usually expect artists to be. Now, I know that there are rich, famous artists, but honestly, I forget about them. I’m a young creator with virtually no recognition of being such, and I have friends of all ages that are trying and borderline struggling to gain exposure as artists. No wonder I forgot that art forms other than popular music can bring success.

What makes one an artist is not the ideas we have in our heads, but our ability to turn them into great art using captivating colors, rhythms, words, chord progressions, materials, exposures, and patterns. [But I do have to admit that I think some people’s thoughts are probably just more interesting than others.]

Without seeing it, I wouldn’t have thought that amazing art would be created from the ideas which inspired the pieces in the magazine. This tells me that anyone can be moved by anyone’s art, if you show it to them. And I guess if you want to get financial recognition [see: rich], then the right people have to see it. That’s probably where persistence and perseverance come into play.

And the most beautiful thing about it is that the art that made these people rich was still a representation of a pure part of who they are; They did not sell-out.

Of all the things I’ve wanted to become in my life, a writer is the only thing that hasn’t changed.

One of the people that I spend most of my time with is an artist. One thing I admire most about her is that she’s an opportunist. She’s not rich or famous, but people do know her and her work, because she does what she has to to share her gift.

I said to myself that you have to risk failure to achieve success. HOWEVER, the fear of failing is so much more real than the fantasy of success, sometimes.

And I have to realize that the only difference between me, a writer who makes no money to write, and known song writers is that people know they can write, people read and hear their work every day.

So, I’m on the internet trying to find people who would pay me to write music, and I’m stuck, because I refuse to let my lyrics go to a scammer, or a thief. I could always mail my work to myself before I share it with people I don’t know. Or I could always get it copyrighted…

I guess that’s what I have to do; Create building blocks to what I will feel is success.

But damn. I see why artists are starving. Creativity is so abstract a gift, but it is a gift. As artists, it’s our responsibility to let people know we have it.

Then I met her, and everything in me changed
How we came together,
we say “It’s not common, but it makes sense.”
And I told her that my life doesn’t make sense without her
Shall I go so deep as to say that she is the blueprint that holds my walls together?

If not, I will say that, without her, my life will have to re-generate an outcome
I do not easily see me without her.

That day, I wasn’t in a great mood, and this is reflected in the entry. So, I want to reiterate the idea behind The Opposite of Epiphany. without being depressing.

I had to realize that not knowing what’s going to happen in your life day to day, while scary and mean, is not a bad thing. Well, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

Like is said in my previous entry, we’re told to have a plan. But this is not a bad thing at all! Having a plan is quite smart. However, being open to many possibilities is also very smart.

People change, and as surely as you will grow, your ideas of yourself and what success will mean for you will change, as well.

So, what I should have said in The Opposite of Epiphany. is:

The only thing that is clear to me is what I want and don’t want moment to moment. And just as well. This is the only aspect of my life that I can see.

Hope for the best always. Stay strong, smart, and aware.

And along with having an idea of what you want to see in your future, sometimes, just remind yourself that you refuse to fail. And success will fall into your lap. And it may not look like you thought it would.

There.

The plan was to work my ass of to save money to travel and help people as early in life as possible. Work at an orphanage in a third-world country,  climb the corporate ladder, and eventually build my own orphanage. I was going to build orphanages in 6 out of 7 continents, then expand my business to as many countries and areas as I realistically could.

In the midst of this, I was also going to become a novelist and a best seller, a screen playwright of major films, a mother of five, possibly someone’s life partner, a revolutionary, a well-known song writer, and probably something else.

But today, I realized that I do not want five kids.

And I realized that I don’t know what I want my life to look like. It’s weird going from knowing exactly what you want, to having no clue, and wondering why you wanted what you wanted in the first place, and dealing with the stress of that all changing
-_-

We’re used to having a vision and a plan for our lives, no matter what it is, just as long as you can see it. Without a set, intricate plan, it leaves room for other possibilities, but it’s too scary, and we’re taught by society that that’s an irresponsible and immature way to live.

Now, I feel like the only thing that is clear to me is what I want and don’t want moment to moment…

I wonder what in my upbringing or my experiences has caused me to be this person who is incapable and so fearful of goal setting. I have benefited from doing this very thing. However, for some reason, it’s like chewing glass for me to get to that place; Like I’m terrified of starting to set goals.

Because I’m afraid of failing at them. Or because I’m afraid of succeeding.

One of my favorite quotes explains this very thought process; How we, as humans, are afraid of ourselves, and we must not be. Who are we not to be beautiful and powerful beyond measure?

We come into this world with a collection of attributes and no instructions on what to do, or not do with them. Why should we have any reasons not to share, embrace, build upon and allow these attributes to make our years on the earth as worthwhile as possible?

Are culture and society that strong to brainwash us out of our nature to love and accept ourselves unconditionally?

Or, perhaps, it is not human nature to embrace everything that is within us. And that’s why it’s special when someone can be that type of person <<EPIPHANY

[From my Evernote]

To denounce fear before you die, so that you may live fearlessly.

To form bonds and love fearlessly.

To share your gifts.

Meet the person and the people that pull a song out of your head.

To attempt to expand your mind as large as the universe is :)

To find out what we believe in.

To the highest of highs of our lives,
to the lowest of lows, where we can bring each other back up.

I want to see our future, so that I know what to do
to ensure this forever.

You say I am a good listener.
It’s because, you, my sweetheart, are like music to my mind,
and to my spirit.

You are refreshing like the ocean.
Never changing form, but always presenting something new.

Constantly enlightening and being enlightened by me.

How you and I are together is quite a way to be.

Many people find it difficult to believe in something they cannot physically see.
I feel that people can look closer and more deeply.
There are ways to see things that are not physically visible.

So, you cannot physically see God, but you can see manifestations of His existence.

You can’t physically see love, but you can see manifestations of this, as well.
Signs of love are everywhere, all the time.

You can see it peoples’ eyes, in their smiles.
It’s the force that pulls peoples’ hands and lips and bodies together.

It’s the reason for much, if not all, of what we do.

It brings tears to the eyes of those experiencing it first-hand, and to those who witness this connection between two people.

It’s mystical, mysterious, wondrous.
It is powerful.
And it is real.

“here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart…”

ee cummings

So I am forced to wonder who I am.
Not the core, understand. I’m not oblivious to myself.
But I’m also not yet an expert.

I use sophistocated jargon, and poetic phrases to describe myself.
But this is not how one must see themselves.

So I sit. I sit and I think about who I am.
There is no criteria I have to meet to be a certain type of person, and no hierarchy in which to place myself afterwards.
Why is that thought process second nature to me?

I don’t know why, but I do know that I must stop thinking of myself and others this way.
This is not freedom.